Sept 25th. Not the 24th.
I fucking hate you. I fucking hate how you made me feel about myself. I hate that you took everything I loved about myself and made me hate it. And hide it, and never show it again out of fear. I loved you so deep and I was so free. I was so me unapologeticlly me. You fucked that up for me. You made me doubt that anyone else would love that part of me, because I loved you so much and I showed you everything and you threw it away like it was trash. That made me think everytinng I was or had shown you was trash. I know we have talked about it maybe at surface nicesties as true adults but I don’t think you know how much it hurt me. How much it destroyed part of me, that I struggle to get back every single day. You broke my trust, but it felt and feels like you broke that trust for everyone. You boke it so that it keeps repeating again and again in my life. It has bled even today into the one truth(or what I think is truth) it’s a total mindfuck. I struggle with loving you, because I want to hate you, but the more I hold on to the hate the more I hate myself. I want to not love you or be in love with you, or the idea I have of our love, because I want you to have joy. I want you to feel love, but it makes me feel like im pressing my nose up against the glass looking in on whats supposed to be mine. Its distracting me from the glass that I am actually inside of. I want to forgive you I have even tried, but the circle will close when I realixe I will truly lose you when I let go of all the hurt, and allow the right kind of love to fall on me or around me. You fucked me up, but I allow that fucked up feel to perpetuate so im fucking myself up. Today I want to take a little of that power back. What a great little lie. The same kind of lie I tell when I say im fine. Because I am not.
Mick Monster 