Deep down inside

When i’m physically away from you my body doesn’t feel the same

And this has never happened to me before

It took me a while to realize what was happening because I just thought it was being on duty or work and I’ll agree that’s enough to make anyone feel worse but it’s not the same feeling I get

It feels like i’m almost missing a piece of what makes me whole

Because when you light up with that bright beautiful smile there’s really nothing more exhilarating to me

And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do or experience or persevere to make sure I can have that around me for as long as I possibly can

I’m depressed because I don’t have the relationship that I want

I miss her but I can’t say it

Almost like it would be weird at this point

And I always wonder do I give up or do I hold on and hope it will get better

Life is spinning violently out of control

It doesn’t seem it on the outside but

On the inside it’s a freak shit storm

I’m so unhappy

I just want to feel happy with my ideas and choices

I want someone to love me and cherish me and just give me the support I deserve and I don’t feel like i’m getting

When I reach for you cheek you would turn away so I don’t reach

Every single day I set myself up for failure because every single day I hope it won’t be like the last or maybe just a little bit nicer or warmer or more appreciative

Like one day I’ll wake up and I won’t feel like a total fucking loser

I know I did something wrong but I hold myself back from asking and you will never just tell me

I’m so fucking afraid of rejection and it makes me mad

Mad at myself and resentful towards you

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and that i’m pretty and I mean something to them

The truth is i’m an In between girl

We all know what that entails

Cause we’ve all been one at one time or another

And as long as I (you)know that from the get no one has to get their feelings hurt

I got a wallet stacked like a bible and i’m good for a good time but … at least I know my place

it would however be nice to at least hear the truth or the reality slip from the side of your face

It was easier being heart broken

Because at least I knew where I stood

Because living the way that I do

Just isn’t living

I’m starved for affection

There is no touch

No kiss

No care

No basic comfort

Slowly every day you withdraw just a little more from me

Most days I don’t even think you like me as a person and you make it seem like you can’t even tolerate me

There is no love

Just hatred and resentment

It feels like a punishment

I try my best but all I receive is criticism

I keep telling myself it will get better

The biggest lie I tell myself

And I guess because I have tried so fucking hard and have given so fucking much

I just don’t know what this was all for

I was a toy

And some toys you keep

And some toys you give away

Serves me right seeing how I treated people like toys

I’m just wondering how long must I sufferer for my mistakes

Keep the balance with hidden talents
When you wage a war
You gotta have your ammunition
Use your words to spit bullets
Your biggest weapon is how you
manipulate things to your benefit
So make a buffet of your memories
And don't forget about it
All this talk of your minds abilities
Well here's my 90 percent all wrapped up
and it looks so pretty like poetry written
in fancy script
But its not about how you hit
when your weak as Fuck
When your heart and your mind don't
match up
Its called a win win mother fucker 
You should take it for a test drive
Cause im going live
on the mic telling you how it really is
I'm making it your business so pay
attention and don't stiff the bill

Why did you make me wait 
Ask me all those questions
Was it because you saw something in me
Something special worth waiting for

Why did you give yourself so freely
To someone you barely knew
Was it because you were so mad at me
Or was it because you lied to me

You say your vanilla
But I bet your a little more
I thought I knew you
I guess I was fooled

Just circle that shit in chalk call it a DOA

It was a shot through the heart a no brainer

You run a little string and pull on it when your feeling insecure

While I wear my drum on my sleeve for everyone to see

My heart is hurting for something it doesn’t even know

Its an uneasy feeling

Not one im familiar with

Not to say I haven’t had my fair share of heartache

Just not a feeling like this before

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton