Don’t act confused when I speak with conviction, you will be convinced and then feel conflicted. The truth may sting  our thoughts are so contrary, but don’t get it twisted cause I ain’t no Mary. Your conscience is disguised as integrity so you’re cautious to speak your mind with any sense of clarity. Ambiguity becomes you but lions rarely placate with lambs. Trying to set boundaries like you got any land. Listen up space cowboy stop living in them clouds you cant ride the coat tails with all the chem trails when your coming off the rails. Your not a hot shot rocket no money in ya pocket mommy’s picture in the locket on the no one night stand Stan DanDan noodles takeout three nights in a row trying to spit game when all you say is brooooooooo 

 

Sept 25^th.  Not the 24^th.

 

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate how you made me feel about myself. I hate that you took everything I loved about myself and made me hate it. And hide it, and never show it again out of fear. I loved you so deep and I was so free. I was so me unapologeticlly me.  You fucked that up for me. You made me doubt that anyone else would love that part of me, because I loved you so much and I showed you everything and you threw it away like it was trash. That made me think everytinng I was or had shown you was trash. I know we have talked about it maybe at surface nicesties as true adults but I don’t think you know how much it hurt me. How much it destroyed part of me, that I struggle to get back every single day. You broke my trust, but it felt and feels like you broke that trust for everyone. You boke it so that it keeps repeating again and again in my life. It has bled even today into the one truth(or what I think is truth) it’s a total mindfuck.  I struggle with loving you, because I want to hate you, but the more I hold on to the hate the more I hate myself. I want to not love you or be in love with you, or the idea I have of our love, because I want you to have joy. I want you to feel love, but it makes me feel like im pressing my nose up against the glass looking in on whats supposed to be mine. Its distracting me from the glass that I am actually inside of. I want to forgive you I have even tried, but the circle will close when I realixe I will truly lose you when I let go of all the hurt, and allow the right kind of love to fall on me or around me. You fucked me up, but I allow that fucked up feel to perpetuate so im fucking myself up. Today I want to take a little of that power back. What a great little lie. The same kind of lie I tell when I say im fine.  Because I am not. 

Part of loving you

Is loving the parts you don’t like about yourself

Whether they be good bad or ugly

In doing so I can fully appreciate all the beautiful things about you

It’s an all or nothing kind of thing for me

I especially like the the things about you that make you human

The scars and the memories

And the way your eyes twinkle when your happy

But if I cannot be there for you or care about you when you are sad or gloomy or not having the best of days what kind of jerk would I be

What kind of partner would I be or even more so how could I expect that in return

I know it might seem that I am complicated or mysterious

Or a hard person to deal with but

Deep down inside i’m simple

And live by the Golden rule

I come across as this big hard Ass asshole

But that’s just because of the fortes I have built around me and my heart

Because at my core i’m a very squishy human and somewhere along the way I willingly let someone in and they destroyed me so i’m selective of the ones I let see the truth

Emotions are beautiful

Even the ones that make us feel vulnerable or ugly or not quite right

Never apologize for those feelings that make you feel the most alive

Not to me anyways

I rarely leap without looking or knowing there is a ledge to catch me

And I guess why it’s so scary is because your love

The way it makes me feel

When I look at you

I feel like I can fly

This arrangement has me rearranged

For feelings have changed

Not overnight but over time

So subtle not sudden

Soft yet very loud

The touch it burns

A candle lit

A long awaited skip

Terrified with excitement

I’ve fallen

I carry around your obituary

It’s not a burden but a memory

And I wonder if this is all It can be

When I look in the mirror and it’s me

Your schematics your genetics

bestowed on me for greatness

its not an option Or an opinion

I won’t be your fucking minion

I’m a giant lioness but

You underestimate me with a quickness

Pass me off for a pest at your earliest convenience

Hide behind your addiction or capacity

How could you even have the audacity

I’m a Child not a virus

Your trash was someone’s treasure

It’s been decades but still I get headaches

Or should I call it heart

You gave me a bad one too

I would trade my dimples for something simple like self confidence

My own reflection is a reminder

Of something you created but didn’t extort

But half way through the mission you didn’t abort abort abort

I guess I should be lucky

And start counting the stars

1 2 3 but there isn’t many to see

Not a long list

It’s easy to see

The things you have missed

It’s all about me

I over compensate

I’m self indulgent

I’m egotistical

I have traits of narcissism

I have abandonment issues

And my idea of self worth is lacking

You could have but you didn’t and you don’t

And you said that you did

But you won’t

And I know how you act all to the point

But you bullshit too much to tell the truth

If gaslighting was a trade

You’d belong on wallstreet

One day up but mostly down

Who gives a fuck about a bull or a bear

Your a fucking asshole

Only you can prevent forest fires they say

You try to much to not give a shit

But it’s written all over your face

And when I think about our time spent

If I really give my two cents

You should know I really did care

I was sky high but grounded so quick

My feelings i hide inside

Buried deep down so that my lips cannot speak

Shared moments with secret jokes with sleepless nights and early mornings

I struggle to find silver linings

A box in the closet with memories seems so silly to keep

It’s been long since I have had a muse

A happy one that is

Usually all of my work tends to lend itself to pain or misery

I don’t often allow myself to be happy or feel safe to be happy out of fear of the inevitable

But once in a while

I will throw caution to the wind

And chase the wind chimes

I know the last person to promise to love you for forever faltered on that promise and hurt you along the way damaging your heart

I want to be the reason your heart smiles and maybe skips a little when you see me

And I don’t care if that’s tomorrow or ten years from now

My love for you is real,true and Everlasting

So if there was any question on how long I plan on loving you know it’s for the rest of my beats and breaths